Respect for Parts

by Jay Earley

Respect for Parts is one of the IFS Capacities because it is important for the IFS process to be successful.

It is crucial to welcome and respect all your parts, even those that cause problems in your life or block your IFS work. This means being interested in connecting with each of them and getting to know it.

In IFS work, we usually start out focusing on a protector. This is because we need the protector’s permission to work with the exile it is protecting. It is important to spend as much time as is needed getting to know the protector until it feels seen and appreciated. This helps to develop a trusting relationship with it. Only then, can we ask it to allow us to work with the exile(s) it is protecting and expect it to agree.

When you have the Respect capacity, your heart is open. You feel connected to the part. Since you know that it is trying to help you, you feel accepting of whatever it does, even if its actions are problematic.

What happens if you try to work with a protector without respecting it? The part will most likely sense that you are judging it, and it may refuse to talk to you. Or it may refuse to unblend or to give permission to work with its exile.

It often isn’t enough to respect a protector; you may also need to appreciate it. Protectors really crave our appreciation. They have been working very hard on their role, often for decades. They think it is absolutely necessary for your well-being, and they want you to see this and appreciate them for it. Many of them have been getting flak from your other parts because of the problems they cause you. They long for our understanding and appreciation, and they may not trust us without it. As you get to know a part and see how it is trying to protect you, you will often feel appreciation for it.

We cede control to our protectors. They are in charge of what happens and doesn’t happen. If a protector won’t let us move ahead, it may simply need to be reassured about its fears. But sometimes the problem is that we haven’t really gotten to know the protector and developed a trusting relationship with it. We need to take as much time as is required for us to really understand and appreciate the protector and for it to take this in. Keep in mind that protectors are just as important for our healing as exiles. They aren’t just something to go beyond.

It is also important to respect and appreciate exiles. You understand that an exile’s pain, neediness, shame, fear, or trauma, is a result of what happened to it in the past, so you accept it without judgment.

As part of respecting an exile, you spend all the time and focus that is needed to get to know it and what happened in the past to create its pain or trauma. You are not in a hurry to move on to healing it. Only when it feels truly heard and understood do you proceed to the further steps.